Pressing Pause: Part Three

The Pause That Changed Perception with People

Continuing the pause story, the people perception towards me changed and so did my perception change towards them. I am no more the version I was before the pause. I am the phoenix blazed by the people (I thought) close to me and reborn from my ashes. 

The Parent Story: they both were not at all okay with the taking pause from work decision. I had not asked their advice either because the work culture during their time and ours is so different. I have completed 13 years of work, which is one-third of my father’s work experience. And I wanted a break! Such a big deal! If you are not earning, your value is reduced. I was in that house only for the reasons that my contribution of money did not change. My choices in life had given me the permission to do so. I am in my mid-thirties, single, don’t have a house of my own so no loan yet. I am also aware that there is no one to backup for me. 

The Friends (office/non-office) : Even friends and colleagues who know about the pause phase, mocked me for this reason. Since I have no responsibilities per say, I could take the decision. I messaged a few of my ex-colleagues that I am on a break, even they were shocked. Everyone said the market is not good, getting a job again would be difficult. But when I asked for help, many did give up on me. I do not know whether they changed their perception towards me because of the things I did on my break and failed. They think I am hopeless anyway; because I have not taken life seriously since a couple of years and would continue the self doubt and blame game. The last week of Aug was a reality check for very few people wished me on my birthday, can be counted on fingertips. So, the fact “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” is so true. You are conveniently forgotten by everyone, including the ones you thought would never forget. Very few of the office colleagues texted me for my whereabouts while many did not even care to reply my WhatsApp messages. Some received my call and hung up saying busy. Some bombarded me with questions, I had no answers to. Few did listen to my venting stories, but then I stopped calling them. I stopped Whatsapping people, on occasions and even birthdays. It did not bother anyone. Even if I wished them, many did not even see the messages! And then if I cut-off people from my life, it is not my fault. I understand that people are busy and I am idle. Their priorities are different, their life struggles are different. Not sure when did I become so dependant on others to share my life's lows and failures. 

The Farewell (or living Funeral): the only day in your living life where people talk too much good about you, how you have helped them out, the time spent, etc. And this lasts for a few hours, not even a day! I know many would have heaved a sigh of relief saying she is finally gone, not to deal with her anymore. Having said that, I also received heart touching gifts from a few friends, wishing me luck on this break and a bright future ahead. e.g. Po keychain, Positive penguin, crochet tortoise keychain, pocket perfume, glowing Panda, two books, necklace set, earrings collection, travel diary, amazon voucher.    

Rest of the world: do not have idea of this pause phase and it doesn't really matter if they know or not. Since I was at home, seen more often doing house chores, groceries, etc; there was an ask on my job thing. I said I am on WFH mode. The reason I didn’t mention the truth is that in currently scenario if a person is not working any more, that means it is either a termination or a layoff. Pausing work is difficult to digest by aunties and uncles, on top of it they would push my parents for the marriage thing. She is not working, not marrying, only travelling! Since I travelled, I did not mention about the pause phase, because there again people will be judgemental. It was not my age to pause work. It is not my age to even die of stress. Two cousin weddings really took a toll on my health for the comparisons and societal pressure. I have not come so far to end up fulfilling others expectations. There are people who thrived on my failures and success, I can say I was not strong enough to fight back, so I left the battles. But they gave a hard life lesson, which I will remember throughout my career ahead. 

Alone and Loneliness: When I look back at my life journey, I had been lonely at the start of every phase, be it school, college or Post Grad. None of my earlier friends continued with me on the next phase. The same was happening here. So why was I feeling sad about being left out. I should have the Joy Of Missing Out.